I’m working on a new chapter which includes real life embarrassing stripper moments.

Here is a taste.

Enjoy.

The Flying Stiletto

Picture it. Me, twirling on the pole at the edge of the runway stage, legs in the air. My right heel slips off my foot and goes flying in the crowd. I continue to dance with one bare foot (on my tip toe to balance the six inch difference). What a professional.

Gassy Girl

This title is reserved for a petite little Taiwanese gal. She stood all of five feet and her ass sounded like a broken muffler. Talk about little spark plug.

Squirting Stripper

She was a young mother and still breast feeding. Need I say more?

Don’t quit your day job

Toward the end of my career at 27, I took a job waiting tables at California Pizza Kitchen during the week. I cut my stripping hours down to the weekends as I tried to transition to the real world of minimum wage and time cards.

When word got out of my weekend stripping life, all three managers came in the club to check me out. I was completely naked and bent over taking a tip when I recognized their three faces, upside down, smiling at me from the front door. I waved hello and continued on stage. From that night on, I always got my requested restaurant shifts.

Electric Tooth

I had a regular customer who came in every Friday afternoon from work. He was an electrician and giggled when he got nervous. A harmless man who I thought was too kind for the strip scene, so I never bothered to tell him about his one discolored, glowing fake tooth. Black lights and dental work do not mix. Remember that one fellas.

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Excuse me, I can see…

When anyone is rushed, we can forget our keys, paperwork at the office or our wallet on the dresser. When strippers are rushed (ok, high on coke) they can forget to wipe the white powder from their nose, remove stray toilet paper and yes… even to hide their tampon string before going on stage. Have I mentioned the black lights? 

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“Laugh at yourself first, before anyone else can” ~ Elsa Maxwell
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28 comments

  1. Okay, I cannot WAIT for this! Such eye openers, that quite frankly, I would have never thought of. Of course, you gotta hide the tampon string! Those are great. Truly I cannot wait to buy this book.

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  2. I worked for a guy who owned a strip club in Philly, so I was always going in and out of the place and encountering the girls. I once had to tell a gal "Hey, you got about $40 dripping outta your left nostril.."Isn't it odd being so far removed from a time in your life? Sometimes I look back and think "Nah, that couldn't have been me…" But it was.

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  3. Why am I remembering a scene from something where a woman pounds her stiletto directly into someone's forehead??Hurry on the damn book girl!this post made me laugh out loud for real.

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  4. What a dilemma Christine. I can't decide which of these is the funniest. But I sense that you were quite the professional when something went wrong, as in "the show must go on".

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  5. I've never seen a flying stiletto, but I did see a dude get kicked in the head once. She nailed him flush in the temple. Everyone around him was like "Quit leaning over the railing dude!" haha 😉

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  6. @Secretia – She did! He Milkshake really DID bring the boys to the yard. @Danielle – I have friends that tell me that too. It was a wild ride that is for sure. But we secretly wish we had a 'normal' life too back then. At least I did. @SirThommas – Some of 'em still did! Amatures…. @Deborah – Haha That was not me, but I've been damn close before. I am! I am! Writing a couple chapters this weekend about the fun stuff. 🙂 @Kevin – Why did I KNOW you were going to say that? @Matty – Oh the show did! Thanks. 🙂 @Farmers Wife – Awe thanks honey! It's the only way I've ever been. Too many things people can bring you down for, so I am honest about it all. @RJ- Great minds. 🙂 @Grand Pooba – It was realllly funny. And reeaaaally embarrassing. 🙂 @Aunt J – I think some of the military guys liked it, actually. Takes all kinds, right? @Jay – Ha ha, exactly!

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  7. You forgot to hide your tampon string?Holy shit. That is funny. I never actually thought about what a stripper has to do when faced with "that time of month before".Thanks for enlightening me. lol.

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  8. This was great to read 🙂 Haha the comment about strings attached made me laugh a bit, I’m so glad you get to expertly write about your experience so that we all get to sort of see it through your eyes- it’s really enlightening and inspiring!

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