morningbed

There’s no easy way to say this, so here goes: I’ve faked it.

Yes, it’s true. On a handful of occasions in my twenties, I made the noises, did my Kiegels and whispered those two words every lover wants to hear in the heat of passion.

What I was thinking was another story entirely.

Before I get hate mail from past lovers, let me just say I take complete responsibility for my sexual ruse.

And if you’ve ever discovered a lover has faked their orgasm with you, let me propose a new way of handling it. Instead of thinking you weren’t worthy of the earth moving, take it as a compliment that we cared enough to perform such a selfless (albeit codependent) act of passion.

Not buying it? Here are some more reasons:

We are trying to be nice

Most women tend to be nurturing and as a result, we are natural people-pleasers. When it comes to naked play time, faking it is often times considered the nice thing to do, especially if we’re tired and know how hard you are working. We think this is getting nowhere and start in on the performance of our lives. What we really should be thinking about are ways to communicate how you can help get our motor running.

Poor chemistry

It’s no secret we all want to measure up in the sack. We fantasize about being told we’re the best and no one could possibly compare. The truth is while most of us aim for fireworks, sometimes the chemistry just isn’t right and we end up with sparklers. While sparklers are fun, they don’t make for a rockin’ Fourth of July. Fakers wouldn’t dare complain about sparklers because, really, who wants to ruin a perfectly good holiday?

We suffer low self-esteem

Psychological studies show that codependent women have a higher percentage rate of faking it than any other type of personality. This is due to the fact that we not only want to please our lovers, but we are willing to give up on our own pleasure to do so.

I grew up with low self-esteem and as a result, was a codependent lover. I used to think if I can make him believe he’s really rocking my world, he’ll really want me – which is sad when you think about it. The funny thing is, those one-night-stands always fled and probably could care less if I faked it or not.

We love you

In my thirties, I settled down with a great man. He was smart and funny and we had undeniable chemistry. While I found myself faking it less and less, I still threw the occasional oh yes! in the mix when I knew it just wasn’t going to happen. So why did I pull the wool over my loving man’s eyes? I loved him too much to let him believe he wasn’t the best. The problem was, I didn’t love myself enough to talk with him about the missing piece of our love puzzle.

Breaking the cycle

Years ago, after my love affair with Puzzle Man, I discovered something about myself. Through therapy and learning I was worthy, I finally believed it. This new self-assurance transcended to the bedroom and I never looked back.

It’s been years since I’ve lived in the land of fakers, and I am happy to share my experiences. Let it be known, there are many reasons women fake it, and lovers, some may not have anything to do with you.


22 comments

  1. Excellent post, my friend. EXCELLENT. You're so right. We have to make sure our daughters know this. We never talked about this when I was younger, but now that we're more liberated and willing to talk about these things, it would be nice for the younger women to not have to go through that co-dependency that we did at the same age.

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  2. This is not oversharing. This is awesome and a necessary thing all women should be honest about. Yes, I have faked it, out of boredom, out of not wanting to hurt feelings, out of being just dang tired and more seduced by my soft pillow awaiting me. The great thing is I've been with the same man for a very long time, so long that we've transcended to a place where we are always real with each other when it comes to exactly what we need. And it's such a good place to be. Great post, Lady.

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  3. I think that it is unfair to demean the expression of enthusiasm, genuine or enhanced, by calling it "faking." Rather, it is a part of the "performance" and is as important as any other aspect. It is no more dishonest than laughing at a joke that rates only a grin of amusement, and it is charitable in both passion and compassion. I wouldn't have it any other way.

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  4. I don't really have a lot of sympathy for fakers because if you're moaning like he's rocking your world he's going to think he's rocking your world and it's never ever going to get better. Then again, I've faked it before because sometimes drunk sex is a ton of fun, other times it's just never going to reach an end and you can tell she's had her fun and is getting tired. So yea, guys do fake it too!

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  5. Great post. I've definitely faked it for the first two reasons in the past. I've also done it to bring a speedy resolution. If I'm not going to orgasm I'd rather be doing something else. Maybe faking it is just a phase you go through. Either way, I'm now comfortable enough to communicate better and haven't 'had to' fake it for several years.

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  6. I'm blessed. After 42 years of marriage, sometimes it's ok to tell him to go ahead without me, he can owe me one. Laughter saves a lot of bedroom time from turning to fiascos. 😀

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  7. Interesting.
    As a virgin I obviously have no clue what real vs fake is like, heh.
    I do think that as many guys should be reading this as possible, not just women. I fear guys won’t want to read it though… or at least admit that they read it 😉
    After all, women are the ones that already know! 🙂
    P.S. – I agree that hopefully, when in a real relationship, rather than faking for so long, she’ll feel comfortable in just telling me what *really* works for her.

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