Back when I drank and drugged my hot ass into oblivion, waking up covered in a dirty film of “how could you?” was a typical afternoon occurrence. My denial and narcissism was a brilliant excuse for such hideous behavior. The constant lying. All the cheating. Even stealing from my own family members to get high.

Shame, shame, how could you?

When all you’ve been is a royal class fuck up, it’s easy to fall back on the title when you do actually fuck up – again. But when does the revolving door of “how could you?” finally kick your ass out in the real world of “I know better”?

When do we [addicts] stop using our disease as a crutch and start using it as a tool? To respect our struggles and learn from our behaviors, not use them as excuses. What a concept.

As I’ve said in my interview with KirstyTV, “I’m such a work in progress, I should have orange cones for earrings.” Adorable, right? It would be if it weren’t so true.

In the past few weeks, I’ve come to learn that not only am I a work in progress, sometimes I make such colossal errors in judgment that only a stick of dynamite could make things right. But wiping the slate clean with my most recent fuck up would be the healthy thing to do. Sure, owning my truth sounds like a plan, but there’s an awful lot of shame buried under there. So instead of doing the right thing, I ignored the gnawing pit in my gut and allowed my “how could you” to perform grandiose claims of absurdities.

It wasn’t until a friend called me out that I realized – the only way to make this better, is to own the fact that I’m the one whose making things worse. Even if my friend would have never said a thing – I knew this sick, familiar feeling wasn’t going to disappear on its own. I’d have to be the one to break this shit down in order to rebuild my self-respect.

So, without further adieu, I’m here to light this mofo and come clean.

I recently had the opportunity of a lifetime in that a major publisher was interested in reading some pages of my book. After months of edits and rewrites (with the help of a tireless, selfless dear friend in the biz), I submitted my work. After receiving the rejection letter, I sunk into a vast darkness of self-doubt and regret.

Why didn’t I stay true to my voice ? Why couldn’t I have just gotten out of my own way? How the hell could you ruin this opportunity? And on and on.

One of the reasons noted in the Pièce de réjecion letter was that I didn’t have a large enough platform, which is another way of saying “you’re not a Real Housewife, TMZ doesn’t follow your ass, and Wikipedia has never heard of you.”

The same day I realized I was this “nobody” in the world of publishing, I received an email offering up miraculous marketing ideas and promises of fame and adoration. Part of this marketing scheme was building one’s platform in social media; an ‘If you build it, they will come’ approach. For less than a hundred bucks (and as a birthday present from mom) my social media status would go from “nobody” to “she’s the one to watch.” But was this ethical? Was this the thing now with artists trying to be seen?

After speaking with friends and reading some articles about the pros and cons of this new marketing maneuver, I relented. With the click of a mouse I did something that no one talks about but so many people do: I purchased Twitter followers.

As soon as I made this choice, I knew it was a mistake. After years of proving my word with my friends and family, here I was, faking an audience. But like so many missteps in life, we can’t un-do the things we regret.

Life has a way of serving you lessons that only become fully realized when wrapped with a bow of shame.

But even when we’re called out, it takes a bigger person to come clean. I wasn’t that person a few weeks ago when publicly backed into a corner on Twitter; in fact, I was enraged by the very accusations (that I purchased Twitter followers) which were thrown in my face. It didn’t matter this person nailed my error in judgment – but it was MY mistake, and the fact that I didn’t have a choice to process this and come clean on my own was the thing that threw me over the edge.

So in that very ugly Twitter-war-high-school-bullshit-banter way, things were said and although I deeply regret playing my part and the way I handled things – what stings the most is how I disappointed the people I love, who had my back.

You’d think I’d be pissed off at my Twitter nemesis for coming at me and calling me names (which, I still think was a dick move). But like most of the ugly shit we’re faced with, there’s always some lovely goodness buried within. I’m not a victim, just as this person isn’t an on-line bully.

Within the next few weeks, I’m sure my purchased spam-bots will fall off, and my “Followers” number will steadily decline. But as this goes down, my self-esteem will keep a steady climb in the right direction. Even a handful of real followers is better than thousands of fake ones, purchased only to inflate my sinking ego.

I’m still processing the shame of my choices but all I can do is keep trying to be a better person than I was yesterday – which includes being a better friend, staying on a healthy path, and wiping up the shit I make when my choices hit the fan.

Besides, tomorrow is a new day. We’re almost in a new year, which will be filled with many delightful fuck ups I’ll make, I’m sure.

28 comments

  1. I followed u cause u seemed real n I was right! It takes courage n a good spirit to admit a mistake publicly. I know I’ll keep following n I’ll keep screwing up too. We all make mistakes but the lesson either is learned or lost, that is our choice. Don’t give up EVER!

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  2. I just read this. Don’t know why I didn’t see it on twitter. I’m gonna be totally honest you sound like a liar who got caught lying. So you could hardly call this coming clean. Someone had already called you out on this and by the way I believed YOU. So you can afford to BUY Twitter followers but you cannot afford to go on a writing workshop. Interesting. I donated to your ‘dream’ because I felt like you were a genuine girl. That was my mistake obviously. It wasn’t a lot of money and I’m a grown woman so that’s on me. But now I’m more inclined not to believe shit you say.

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    1. Jackie – The followers that were purchased was part of a marketing package that was a gift (from my mom of all people) for my birthday. I’m very VERY sorry you think I’m not a genuine person. I also don’t blame you. I appreciate your loyalty, support and everything you’ve been and am so very sorry to read this email. I, of course, am logging every dollar collected in my fund and will document exactly where the funds are going (including used clothes and shoes for the kids in San San Marcos La Laguna and Santiago).

      Yes, it’s true, it looks like I “came clean” just because I was caught “lying”. But the universe works in great ways, because this is something that was coming to the surface any way but on my own time – NOT because I was pushed into a corner because I hit a nerve with someone who doesn’t know my story. JUST like I didn’t know theirs, so I apologized immediately in private (never getting one in return for all the unwarranted crap I received from his end).

      It sucks that you are more inclined not to believe shit I say, but I do understand. All I can do is learn from this mistake and continue to write my story. Which, thankfully, I have people who are in it, who lived it with me, and have agreed to verify every word I write as being true.

      I wish you well and again – appreciate you – more than you know.

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  3. I’ve been a loyal lurker
    I know you’re genuine more often than not
    Maybe I could open a Twitter account and follow there?
    Folks who call others names are just so wrong
    Express an opinion…okay
    Make a judgement …not okay
    Everyone screws up …even when they know better
    Sometimes they even make it worse
    Get over it
    It’s done
    You owned it
    …and you won’t do it again …eh?

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  4. There are so many great things about social media, but some of it is really disturbing to me because there’s usually just no fucking slack to be cut for anyone. It’s relentless and brutal. That’s a pity, because we all make mistakes, whether they’re just our own personal failings or bad judgement or we felt at the moment our options to do otherwise didn’t exist. I’ll be 49 years old in a few weeks and on most days, I do the right thing, but some days I don’t, not usually intentionally. I’m particularly haunted when I’m the only one who knows about a mistake I’ve made. So by confessing it, you free yourself. Otherwise, what’s the expression… “You’re only as sick as your secrets.”

    Frankly, I don’t see a big deal with what you’ve done or a big deal that you’re making it known publicly after someone called you out on twitter. Anyone who follows you knows you are open about how you’re always learning and growing. It’s evident in everything you write. We’re human and born to fuck up, lots of times, over and over again. I mean, that’s WHAT WE DO. Anyone who can claim perfection in every thought, deed or action is not being truthful with themselves first and foremost. Self awareness is the ultimate bitch.

    And honestly, what a world we live in that a person isn’t considered relevant because they don’t have enough presence or followers on social media. I swear our society needs a serious punch in the face.

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    1. “And honestly, what a world we live in that a person isn’t considered relevant because they don’t have enough presence or followers on social media.” – that’s a way I haven’t looked it it! Thank you.

      My issue is that I should have just agreed and moved on from the moment this silly Twitter fued began. I didn’t need to get defensive and engage in this person’s silly name calling etc.

      Also, it seems that because I could afford to purchase followers (which, the marketing package was a birthday present from mom for 60 bucks), then “HOW DARE I’ hold a crowdfunding campaign to collect funds to help with my writing seminar. I get it – and there’s nothing I can do but stay true to my word, which I am doing here – and which I will do with every penny raised. I didn’t make my goal, but with that I made from selling a camera and an old dining room set, in addition to the crowdfunding money, I am able to go.

      Thanks again for this comment. Truly, truly appreciate it.

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  5. Interesting. So, why is it a big deal to purchase followers? Is it because they didn’t consent? Because I don’t see it any different than a company purchasing mailing lists. It’s just part of business. Not everyone will want what you are giving, but a lot of people will love it and be thankful! Don’t beat yourself up about it!

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    1. Dalai Lina, I totally agree with you, it’s like purchasing leads or purchasing mailing lists.

      If it doesn’t feel right or feels like a mistake for someone on a personal level, that’s between that person and their conscious, but otherwise, honestly, there’s no integrity issue here. I would remove shame from this equation all together. That just gives it all so much more power than it deserves.

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    2. Thanks Dalai – I’m feeling much better since I’ve explained myself and apologized publicly and also privately to the person who I was arguing with on Twitter (I have not received one from him taking responsibility for the shitty things he said).

      But read my comment above regarding the crowdfunding issue. THIS is where I think Jackie has a problem. I hope I explained it well and hopefully she can understand this whole marketing package was purchased out of a conversation I had with my mom over how I was going to give up writing the book – because I was so deep in a depression state after learning I “wasn’t famous enough.”

      It was a fear-based purchase – and I’m learned now that those aren’t wise!

      Thanks again for the comment. Love you. xxoo

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  6. So much respect for you in coming clean & the background info on what led you to purchase followers. You learned so much about yourself throughout this whole experience. All good. Self esteem comes from righting our wrongs & the motivation to do so can not be judged for example Jackie implying you only did because you were caught lying. Very insulting & just shows her own lack of forgiveness & what a judgmental person SHE is. Amends are there to be made after we fuck up & you are practicing that principle in my opionion. You were much more gracious to her than i ever would have been & her issues are obvious. You go girl! You have my respect. Congratulations on saving enough for your dream.

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    1. Thank you so much for this. I gotta say, I am saddened by Jackie’s response (and un-follow, no surprise), but think that maybe she’s been deceived one too many times and maybe this pushed familiar hurts / angers to the surface.

      I miss her. But I can’t control anyone’s feelings but my own.

      Thanks again – I truly appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.

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    2. You don’t even know me. Nothing about me. How dare you to presume anything. I am a very forgiving person. And the one thing I’m not is judgmental. However I supported someone who was in fact lying. I’m entitled to my opinion! These posts should be about Chrstine’s post NOT my comment. Leave me out of it. I have not spoken to her or about her since.

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      1. Jackie – I’m not going to continue this bitch fest on this post, but am happy you came to say your peace. For the record, I didn’t lie to anyone (I was bashed etc and titled a liar because I didn’t admit to purchasing followers right away, because I was being pushing into a corner and pissed off) and I’m sorry you keep saying that I have. I’m also sorry for making assumptions but like you say, we are free to make opinions. I’ve always respected yours and I still do.

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  7. You have shown that you are trying to become a better person. That is a lifelong process for any genuine person especially one in recovery who is given a second chance & the tools to do so. It doesn’t mean we won’t make ego driven decisions or even go against instinct & do things that cause us shame. It means we develop ways to rectify situations that cause shit to hit the fan. It’s about honing our ability for integrity & admitting when we have been wrong. Not coming clean might have been a past MO for you & could even have been an option in this situation but clearly you can’t live that way anymore. I don’t get how anyone could rub salt in the wound instead of applauding your courage & honesty. Self righteous judgmental condemnation is a far worse defect of character than honestly admitting a mistake for the world to see. Sorry but not a fan of Jackie & am not impressed with her writing or the hypocritical stance she’s taken especially in light of how enamored she is with a blogger who is a convicted felon.

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    1. This is NOT about me. And I am only enamored with my husband. I am friends with a lot of bloggers. And I don’t need any fans. I’m not famous. I’m just an ordinary person who voiced an opinion. Great way to run your comment section Christine. How many of these commenters donated to your dream?

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      1. Jackie – you are right, this post isn’t about you. Like I’ve said, I don’t know what she’s talking about and I am trying to keep things respectful.

        Your little dig about “how many of these commenterts donated to your dream” is a good one. Hope that makes you feel better.

        I’ve stated above that my fund campaign have NOTHING to do with the marketing package that was a GIFT.

        I’ve said my peace. You’ve stated yours. Let’s all move on. I have no ill will towards you even though you continue to make these digs and imply I am a liar.

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  8. Maybe that sounds judgmental but just proving a point. That blogger may very well be trying to right her wrongs but there has been plenty of rumbling about current issues with lies & poor character including purchasing followers.

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    1. Don’t know what you mean? I’m not following her any longer – and if anyone’s publicly bashing me (again) on Twitter or anywhere else, I’ve learned that as long as I know my character and the person I am and trying to continue to be, then that’s all that matters.

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        1. I’m moving on. Have no interested in engaging in this banter any longer which includes twitter stalking. NOT my style. I know you’re a great person – I’m not sure how this turned into something so ugly. No more drama please.

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        2. I don’t know who is doing the twitter stalking but it is not me. Let’s be crystal clear about that. It sounds like some of your commenters have a bone to pick with someone else and I don’t appreciate being brought into that. As I already stated I have said nothing about you on twitter. Again, not my style.

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    2. It is judgmental. If it’s not why don’t you just say who you’re talking about? I know who it is and I can tell you this, she doesn’t have 27k followers of which 89% are bought and paid for. Look it up since you know so much. And for the record, if ‘that’ blogger told a lie after I had defended her, I would voice my opinion then as well.

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      1. If you two would like to continue this in private and off my page, please do. I’m not deleting your comments, Jackie, because you are welcome to reply and of course, we are all entitled to our opinions.

        You obviously have major issues with the whole purchased followers thing. I get it!! I’ve made amends and am moving on.

        I wish you well and a beautiful holiday, Jackie. I truly do.

        Like

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