“I hate news and information and anything that threatens to puncture the bubble of oblivion in which I live.” ― Augusten Burroughs
I’m not a fan of merry-go-rounds. Never have been. Something about the incessant moving and turning and not really going anywhere. Let’s not get into the haunting organ music. It’s highly possible I’ve seen too many slasher movies as a kid, but still – to me – creepy.
It’s been a couple of days since re-entering life as I know it, after being in Guatemala for ten. Time was spent creatively and with purpose. I wrote letters. Made life-long writer-friends. Devoured my reading list. And, in true romantic fashion – turned out some Grade-A poetry that would clog your arteries, they’re so cheesy.
One of the things I adore most about my heart is her capacity to pump the corniest, most childlike illusion through my body while I’m knee-deep in the fantasy of being in love.
There’s nothing wrong with having fantasies; they keep us flying above the day-to-day bullshit. What gets us in trouble, though, is when the line between what’s real and our delicious daydreams become blurred, we pretend we know what we’re doing. Seriously – when it comes to love – do any of us know?
When on the merry-go-round of yet another wake-up call, when we know it’s time to hop off and run far away from the creepy slasher music, why do we continue to stay? Is it fear of changing course? Do we secretly like the stability of knowing exactly what’s around the bend – even if it’s not what we want?
One of the hardest things to do is stand up for what we deserve – even when we don’t feel worthy.
On this Valentine’s Day eve, if any of us are spinning on our own personal merry-go-round, not feeling we’re getting exactly what we want – let’s ask ourselves why. It’s so easy to point the finger at the person operating the ride, but remember, it’s WE who make our own choices. Owning our shit in the harsh light of reality may be pulverizing at first, but in the end, our fantasies will serve our hearts more than ever – knowing we refuse to settle for anything less than what we are worth.
I’ll always be That Girl. The Romantic. The Dreamer. Never giving up on the one thing I keep at bay because I’m too afraid to feel it. With each relationship, I’m getting closer – and the amount of love and gratitude I feel for those experiences are immeasurable.
We learn so much by taking chances – even when the deepest part of our being already knows the end result. We are better for having loved deeply. And even stronger for surviving the fallout.
Sometimes, instead of getting back on the horse, it’s entirely possible we just need to find another ride.