I was seventeen. He was 27. A one-night-stand-turned-partner in bed, turned roommate “boyfriend”. A coke dealer who spoke with his cock and screamed with his fists.

Three years and nine months we lived together. We fucked and fought like animals, but walking hand-in-hand remained elusive.

“I’ll never walk with you because of your skin.”

The attention is better than none at all. With him, I feel alive.

I knew no other way.

It was my first day at the ad agency and the drive to a client meeting was long. My boss behind the wheel was cocky, convinced he was just being funny. Conversations of where’d you grow up? quickly morphed to, so…you boning anyone?

“I’m so glad I’m a good lover.” He boasted while turning into the parking lot.

This is a good job. Don’t say anything. Be flattered he feels comfortable enough with you to go there.

I knew no other way.

We’ve been dating for months. He left his phone unattended during one of our overnight sleep-overs. Temptation sold out to my worst fears realized – I painfully asked the question, taking a peek at his phone. So many sext messages. My stomach flipped and I was sick.

We never did say we were exclusive. Some of his time is better than none. We have such amazing chemistry.

I knew no other way.

There’s a time to shrug your shoulders at the world and give in to the daily shit of life. Someone cutting you off on the freeway? Go ahead, buddy. You’re not worth the stress.

When your self-worth is tested, especially when at a low – this is where you need to remember that YES, you may have known no other way – but that was yesterday. Today, you’re focusing on strength – finding your voice.

What is it that you WANT? If you find yourself in the throes of life not surrounding yourself with people, opportunities and challenges that don’t serve your happiness – ask yourself why.

The cinderblocks of I’m not good enough may fall deep inside your soul – but YOU have the power to stop pouring the cement. Time to stop believing that crumbs are the same as a seat at the table.

There IS another way. You’re NOT a pussy. You’re a fucking LION who’s learning.

Conquer your kingdom (you’re worth it).

“When You Hold Onto Your History, You Do It At The Expense Of Your Destiny.” – BT.D. Jakes

 

4 comments

  1. This was beautiful. I know the people who hurt us don’t always “get” what’s coming to him.. but this guy is a total asshole. I hope he’s at a loss now that you left. I really, really needed today. Thanks.

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  2. Dear Christine, it has taken me a long while to comment on your post. I had to read and reread it several times. I think we were living in a parallel universe. The word you wore could be my story as well. I won’t go into all the gory details of my upbringing, suffice it to say it was not pleasant. I left home right out of HS. I thought if I could strike out on my own I could be free to do as I wanted. Well, it didn’t quite work out that way. Because I never felt as good as or not as good as other people I found refuge in sex and drugs. I was never addicted to drugs but, if they were offered I would partake. If a man showed the slightest interest in me I would fall into bed with him to perhaps find I was worthy of being loved. I was disappointed, hurt, degraded myself to be loved. It took me many years to begin to realize sex was not the answer. But, what was the question?

    I’ve got to close for now as I have an appointment. I hope to hear more from you later.
    Thank you for your Blog.

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  3. Last week I took an emotional beating that even Micheal Tyson would have been down for the count. So I turned to my only place of refuse, the gym. Over the last week I have spent most of my days there. I would walk in feeling like some bitch dog that was left for dead. And by the end of the day I left feeling like Xena the warrior birch, thank you so much for this post.

    Like

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