Forgive WHO?

We’ve all been there. Turned into that person we don’t recognize. Our brains hold our happiness hostage, giving pain where pain doesn’t need to exist. We unknowingly sabotage our hearts because our perception of reality is altered thanks to a heavy dose of What We Wish To Be The Case.

Perception is horrifying when the lens we choose to view from isn’t based in what’s real. The trick is knowing that we are choosing to stay in the clouds.

Red flags are not welcome signs waving from across the field. We aren’t bulls who need to charge at the first sign of danger. Seriously. Danger doesn’t equal excitement. Healthy doesn’t need to be boring (is this just a drug addict thing?).

I can’t speak for any other PTSD-Drug Addict-Sex Abuse Survivor-Ex-Stripper, but for me – the lessons in reality come at a lofty price.

Between planning a huge life-changing move, my story-telling series, and licking wounds from a recent breakup (talk about being in denial), it’s all I can do to keep it together.

So how do we get real with ourselves without beating our hearts up in the process? For starters, we need to forgive. Not the ones who’ve hurt us – but ourselves.

We can point the finger all we want, but let’s face it – at some point, when it comes to living through pain based on patterns we keep repeating – we need to look at our own choices. Once we realize we have more power over our happiness than we realize, the best thing to do is wrap our hearts around our loving souls and forgive us.

There are so many things I’m not proud of about myself. So many actions I’d love to take back. Tomorrow is another day. Another chance to get it right. New beginnings that shed old patterns. How lovely it would be to have a clean slate with the one person who matters the most, who we are always the hardest on – us.

So tell me – What do you forgive yourself for?

 

Christine Macdonald

Divisible by love

*In loving memory of a friend I only just met, but left a profound impact. His creative passion, humor, spirit and support with all he’s known will live on forever. Here’s to you, Markus D. Manley.  You vision will live on.

The next person who tells me everything happens for a reason is getting punched in the face. At the very least an eye roll.

We get it. Life is hard. Shit happens. We are exactly where we’re supposed to be.

Fuck off.

When the rug gets pulled from under us, leaving our bones shattered on the floor and our heads trying to figure out the why – a big “FUCK OFF” to the universe is warranted.

It’s been a few weeks since returning from my writer’s workshop in Guatemala and I’m looking forward to sharing the life-altering ride. Timing has not been kind as of late.

As if my Central American adventure wasn’t enough to knock me on my ass, I returned home to the kind of news that flattens you. We know this pain. It’s the type of agony that leave the fragments of what was once your whole and happy heart to suffocate your faith in the quiet space of an empty room. A place where you once breathed in love, and now sit with in solitude and wonder of how you fell so hard.

We’ve all been there. Hit with insurmountable pain, not knowing why. Still, is the fact that we’ve all experienced anguish enough to earn the knowledge of why? Collective entitlement. Works for me.  There are some kinds of pain we never overcome. We just learn to live with. The irony that we don’t learn why – if we ever do – until the sorrow weaves her way into our blood is nothing, if not cruel.

Ask anyone who’s lost a loved one to an untimely death. Free and happy one afternoon, then you get the call – they’re gone the next. Talk to a parent who buries their child. A lover who witnesses the loss of her partner’s life after lacing fingers with them, wrapped in love just moments before. There will never be a why. And ever if there was, does it even matter? They are gone.

Fuck you.

I read a quote today that resonates. “Grief is divisible by love.”

Nothing will ever dilute the pain when our hearts ache. Not even knowing the why. We are all so fucking fragile and life is insane and fleeting.

Instead of looking for answers, maybe it’s best to let go of the questions.

Surround ourselves with, when true and real will never escape us – what peels us off the floor and holds our hearts with one another in times of suffering  – simply, beautifully, Love.

Grief is divisible by love.

Christine Macdonald

Universe, you little bitch

These past few days have been a real meat grinder of fun. We all have ’em. Those moments in life where we feel…just…content…enough….and we allow ourselves space to slowly exhale. We maybe even release our seatbelt for a bit and settle into the idea that things are finally looking up. Then. As usual. Shit. Fan. Fun.

There’s no point in feeling sorry for ourselves. Although, I’ve become quite a master of my own agony, knowing all too well the tantalizing fragrance of despair when rolling around in my own pain.

When you suffer from clinical depression (and welcome to the fun house, if you do!), walking the tightrope of disappointment and sorrow without a safety net is like trying to ice skate on glass; but we always lace up. It’s a real blast and pretty hilarious if it weren’t so tragic.

The more breaths I take on this planet, the clearer my view on how much the universe is a fickle bitch. She means well, but really – do we need another lesson? Apparently.

I recently had the opportunity to meet one of my creative heroes, Jared Leto. We talked about how we handle the clean up of the blades when our fans are consistently getting pelted with shit. His point of view was luminous. It lit a fire deep inside my bones, reminding me that life owes us nothing and fuck if we can’t make the lows work for us.

Paraphrasing:

“It seems so many of us are taught to feel that obstacles are a bad thing. I think they’re exactly what we need to push us through and reach even higher. When I grab my guitar and start strumming, most times I have no idea where I’m going. I just play.

When you’re writing and feel like your stuck, just keep showing up. Every day. You can’t have those breakthrough highs without going through the lows.”

Not only was our conversation a game-changer in terms of my personal creative dreams, the message that Jared so profoundly shared with me bled over into all areas of my life.

The next time Dame Universe decides to headbutt me into next Tuesday, I’m gonna do three things: allow myself to feel it, remember my strength, and spank her on the ass to say thanks.

“A trap is only a trap if you don’t know about it. If you know about it, it’s a challenge.”
            ― China Miéville, King Rat

Christine Macdonald